Same old, same old

So here I am in India, still in Tamil Nadu still n the same place, but wishing I wasn’t! I had a fantastic trip to Sri Lanka and the UK, which has made coming back all the more worse! To tell you the truth I’ve had enough of India. Ideally I would like to work in an English speaking African country. I’ve been looking into Kenya, but so far none of my enquiry e-mails have been replied to. I’ll only go if there’s a good position to go to. I don’t want to repeat the same mistake I’ve made in India by working for a useless organisation. Let me tell you how misguided and useless my organisation has turned out to be...

I work for 2 in 1 organisations. The Human Rights Forum for Dalit Liberation (HRFDL) and Village Development Society (VDS). They are supposed to be 2 separate organisations, but they share the same office, and now the same staff member. The boss runs HRFDL, mainly an advocacy organisation, and the person, plus 4 other staff members who were affiliated with both, but mainly VDS were fired for stealing money and resources form the organisation, just a few months after tsunami. So the boss hired a new guy, John Paulos, his job is supposed to be Project Coordinator, mainly responsible for running VDS. Only when he arrived to the organisation he wasn’t introduced to the other existing (less than 10) staff members, and as he’s younger and newer than them, so those people who are under him don’t listen to him, and think he’s a complete joke. Well as it turns out some months later, John has no interest in VDS, instead he is merely doing time, learning a few things, and perhaps trying to get the boss’ trust and resources so he can eventually set up his own organisation with his sister, who works for a different NGO near Chennai.

4 new staff members have been employed, one just a couple of weeks ago, he seems alright, but not at all assertive, which isn’t so good seeing as he’s supposed to be John’s counterpart, i.e. second in command. The other 3 have been employed as office workers, folding paper, and doing basic computer work etc, sorry to say but they wouldn’t have the capacity to do anything more taxing, nor would they want to.

Since coming back from UK and SL I sat and did nothing, well nothing for HRFDL/VDS (instead I spent my time watching movies, reading books in my hammock and cooking. It was great when I was in the mood, and boring at times, and frustrating as I’d want to be working). So I requested a meeting with the seniors to discuss what they saw as my role and what areas they wanted me to help them out on. I had been told via e-mail whilst in the UK, from Terry, that he thinks it best if we don’t work on the same projects together, to save tensions. I have another theory on why he said this. 1) So that he can do things completely his own way and 2) So that he gets the credit for doing everything. That guy has turned out to be pretty annoying. He can talk for hours and hours about something he wants to talk about, usually himself. He never attempts to actually make real conversation. Even though we have lived together for several months he knows very little about me, because unlike him, I won’t just start talking about myself for hours, especially when I can see that the other person really isn’t interested! He has one of the biggest ego’s I have come across. Mostly in work matters I’ll admit. He’s 40 and has been in very successful managerial positions with Genentech, a bio-tech firm in CA. This has led him to believe that he is right on everything, and has the best ideas. If you dispute any of his ideas, he’ll shoot you down in his condescending, articulate manor and make you feel like utter shit.

Anyway…It turns out the boss doesn’t really have a plan for me, or either of us, but thinks we should support him in his advocacy role. This is really not why I’m here. It turns out that both organisations, VDS included, which is supposed to be a development organisation (hence the title!!) is willing to only spend about 10% of time, resources and effort on development, the rest is spent on advocacy. The boss has an idea to mobilise village people into groups to fight the government. I think this is a little premature, when the things on the minds of the villagers are much more basic. This is a near starving population. All the children under 5 are malnourished. Hardly any kid has finished high school, and most adults don’t have a job. Oh – and their houses are in a bad state of repair, and many are migrant workers, who go as bonded labourers as they got into such bad debt, then get physically abused by their boned boss. They are not looking to challenge the government. They are trying simply to survive. I now know that the orientation of the organisation has been the biggest factor in why none of the projects I have started have ever got past the planning stage.

The projects that I was working on is kids education – getting them enrolled in schools, and provisions if necessary to do that, livelihoods, as they pretty much all lost their jobs due to tsunami, I’ve been looking into alternative work, and organising training where appropriate, and also health. Trying to identify amongst the 5000 people in 46 villages we are supposed to serve if anyone is in need of medical treatment, but cannot afford it. Oh, also I have been trying to arrange vegetable gardens for the people, as they seem to live purely on rice and lentils. But the staff don’t help me plan the projects, then there’s only so much I can do before I need to have a Tamil speaker and make a field visit, which doesn’t generally happen, or it does happen, but I am again stunted at the next stage.

So screw them. It’s such a shame, but if the staff of the organisation are so misguided, and listen only to the boss who is intent only on fighting the government, then what am I to do. I’ve already spent 4 months with no successes, so I’m thru with them. It’s sad for the villagers. When ever I make a field visit they all beg off me, telling me their needs, such as food and jobs, but I am helpless to help them when not supported. HRFDL won’t get very far in their advocacy work. They are the Tamil Nadu Dalit representative. I wouldn’t like it if that boss had to represent me. He knows nothing of how to do actual real work. He’ll fight with no statistics, with no solid case studies, and doesn’t even try and take the government up when they do make an offer, instead believing that because in the past they have discriminated against Dalits, this is how they will continuously be. I believe it has been this very attitude that has prevented the school drop outs from our villages from being able to get an education.

I went to a meeting at the local governments, there also was UNICEF and other local NGOs. The government said they have a responsibility to all children, that they get an education, at least until they are 14. They said regardless of caste or location, they want to know where every child drop out is, so they can either put them in special “bridge” schools (catch up schools) or into regular schools. But they didn’t know where these kids are. So they requested that we as NGOs, with regular field workers, we submit to them the names, ages and locations of all the dropped out kids, and they will then take on the responsibility to get all these kids enrolled again. Absolutely great. So I went back to the office, happy that the kids might go to school again. I made some blank tables and gave them to the field staff, explaining what happened at the meeting, and said when ever you make a field visit collect the necessary info. I then pushed them for 2 weeks, as it never got done, then sat with them, with translation and explained again what the gov in front of UNICEF had said. I then had to go on holiday. When I got back I found out it hadn’t been done as the government apparently never keeps it’s word and will always discriminate against the Dalits. I was furious. How can they not even have tried? And they call themselves lobbyists/activists. How can you challenge the government when you don’t even try when they offer their help? You would have a much better case if you actually collected those names, submitted them, THEN they did nothing. But to not even try…!

So basically I really can’t be bothered with them anymore. I don’t believe in their capabilities or their willingness. Too many NGO staff in India (and possible elsewhere, I don’t know about that yet!!) are only there as it’s a job. They have zero philanthropotic tendencies, and care just for their own income, which based on their work effort, most don’t deserve, no matter how meagre it might be.

So this week I am in Tritchy. It’s about 5 hours away from where I live, right in the middle of TN. I am helping out an NGO here called AWAKES. They are trying to do tsunami work and are a good organisation, but they have zero funds. I don’t understand where all the Indian tsunami money has gone. It certainly hasn’t gone to local grass-roots organisations, as most are struggling. Big internationals are not willing to partner with local small organisations, as there’s no trust. It seems that organisations that don’t function particularly well have received grants, but many others are left struggling. AWAKES is interested to only work in the communities that no other NGO has gone to. And there are still a lot of these remote backward caste villages. Maybe it’s that all the money has gone to the fishermen, or that the government has swiped it, I don’t know, but it’s not so much fun when you’re main role is grant seeking. Boring, but I guess very necessary.

Indian NGOs don’t work very well generally (well not the ones that I’ve come into contact with). They don’t do the necessary work. To tell you the truth after seeing many of the funding proposals from organisations here, I wouldn’t give them any money. They usually haven’t thought out their project from planning, implementation, running and monitoring and evaluation. A funder needs to know exactly what their money will be spent on, and that you have the capabilities of seeing a project through. But when in your plan you haven’t even thought through how it’s going to run, and you don’t have a proper budget table then what do you expect! Implementation and running plans are thought of as writing the proposal goes along. Amounts for different budgetary items are estimated (a wild guess really), and number of beneficiaries is also made up. I have tried to stress it’s so important that you do your necessary homework before writing a grant seeking proposal, but usually the organisation either doesn’t have the funds to collect the necessary info, or simply can’t be bothered. I met with a man from UNEDO (UN enterprise development organisation) and he told me that so few of the proposals that have been sent to him have been sanctioned purely because of the lack of or incorrect information on a proposal. They haven’t demonstrated that they have carefully thought thru the project, he knows the amount they are asking for each budget item is ludicrous, or partial, that they haven’t included all necessary items, or they have claimed for too much. And they demonstrate no competence that the requesting organisation will be adept at managing or implementing the project. This is why most of the tsunami money is still sitting in banks around the world, I have been told.

So I really don’t know if any of the grant seeking proposals I’ve been working on for the past few days will get sanctioned. AWAKES have many good ideas such as providing for the tsunami hit schools and giving livelihood training on a number of skills, deepening and cleaning bathing pond, and removing salt from agriculture land. I have pushed for maximum information, but they don’t have the funds to get it. One project I am working on is strengthening 15 primary schools, by providing furniture, books, sponsorship for the poorest kids, or child labour kids, construction of toilets and installation of water, and items for after-school activities, such as art, sports, and discussion groups. But I don’t see how I can really write it, unless I know how many kids attend each school, what provisions they already have, and what they still need etc. But no, I will not get that info, and I’m sure a funder can see that we don’t really know what we’re on about, so still AWAKES won’t have any money.

It is this that is my main reason why I want to work in an English speaking country. If the staff either can’t be bothered or can’t afford to collect information, or hold village meetings, then at least I can go by myself and do it.

Sorry, I realise have gone on for 4 pages! I have a tenancy to do that. But imagine living in a place where you have no one to talk to about your frustrations, or even general life things or chit chat. Terry has gone to Sri Lanka for 2 weeks, and I’m living in the family home of the Director of AWAKES. I still have no friends, I am still without a boyfriend or any remote chance of finding love, and still people don’t know how to respond to me, as they have had such little opportunity to be with a foreigner before. Men are in awe and usually in love with me (usually for the notion they hold a western woman to be, rather than anything else) and women are timid anyway, but when they have to talk to a foreign woman they get even more timid. So that’s my life. Not too good is it!? I still have nothing to do for fun and entertainment, and living at AWAKES all I do is use the computer, eat and sleep. There are no other distractions. I do have a book on development economics, but it’s hardly riveting when your eyes sting from sitting in front of the computer for 12 hours, and when you’ve been doing work that frustrates you!


I will remain in India however as it is the cheapest place for me to be. My rent is already paid for, and food and travel is cheap. I do want to go somewhere else, kinda desperately, but have nowhere else to go. I would like to go off travelling around India but then would feel bad as I am supposed to be working and spending my money so I can volunteer. I’m done with India, the lies, and all the stories people tell you. I’m done with the heat and humidity, and the food at AWAKES. I’ve been here for now 5 days, and have been served only 1/6 of a tomato in all the 15 meals I’ve had!!! I live purely on a white carbohydrate and chicken diet, where they think eating super noodles for dinner is appetising!! I have found a small shop that sells carrots, so munch or raw carrots, and have managed to purchase some fruit, but this is their family and they eat absolutely no veg!!! When you look at your lunch plate of white rice, water spicy gravy and a few bits of chicken, then get asked if you like it, then the wife gets complemented for her cooking and looking after you, what can you say!! Then dinner is usually maggi / supper noodles and something called dosa, looks like a pancake, only is made from rice flour, has absolutely no taste, and is to be dipped into different sauces, such as coconut, or left over chicken curry. Yum yum, I think not!!

Oh man, sorry to have gone on. I really put it down to not speaking to anyone about any of this stuff more a few weeks, or at least not speaking to anyone who is interested or knows where I’m coming from. I sincerely hope for both our sakes I have something more interesting and positive to say next time, but we’ll wait until then to see if that works out!!

So that’s me and an update on my life. Winge winge winge, complain compain, complain. It doesn’t help when you’re an idealist to come and work in a country where thins are far from ideal!!

Hoping to hear from you soon
Miss you all and loving you much
Be good, be happy, have fun

xxx Ruth xxx


P.S. I was asked for my address again:

203/1 Jawan Illam
Venkateshwara Nagar
Mayiladuthurai - 609 118
Nagai District
TN, India

My house telephone number is :0091 (0)4364247072
My mobile number is: 0091 9865456186